I just recently came up with a brand new product for women who have problems with their man cheating on them. I call this product GPPS, which stands for Global Penis Positioning System. You know how they have Lo-Jack for your car? Well, why not take the same technology and use it for the better good of keeping and maintaining relationships. Now, what does this device do exactly? Well, once you find out your spouse has cheated on you, don't go postal. Don't toss all his shit onto the front lawn like you would see in an all trailer trash episode of "Cops." Put away the baseball bat and razor that you're going to use to fuck up his car. Just call up his doctor and make an appointment to have a routine physical and while he's checking his junk he will insert a microchip into either the penis itself or behind one of his huevos. How will his doctor insert it without him knowing? Well, that part I'm still working on, but I do know a small needle is involved.
And now that you've got your man fitted with GPPS, you are now letting him, and to borrow from a certain commercial, "free to move about the country." And there is a bonus to this! You get a free download of the GPPS Mobile App for your Blackberry, Droid or iPhone. That way, when you want to go on vacation or go to work you can keep track of his junk. You go on a weekend in Vegas with your girlfriends, all you gotta do is just turn on the App and see if he's at a place you know he never goes to. And if he does happen to be at said place, this is where the fun really begins.
If you see that he is at an address that you know is not your own or that of his closest family members, you can let off a loud and annoying pinging sound similar to that of a radar on a submarine that will inform him and those around him that you have located his junk.
Another neat feature and this is similar to what they put in bait cars to kill the engine. However, the only engine you're killing is his ability to get it up. I call it the "Showstopper" device. Your handy, dandy mobile app will set off an alert, kind of like a siren going off. This will let you know that he is getting wood from something other than you. Once you get the alert, you will go to the Options menu and press the "Showstopper" button. This will send a quick 25,000 volt jolt to his package, thus stopping the erection dead in its tracks.
Now you ask what happens if you two break up? No problem! The microchip will stay in place and you have passed all the technology down to the next person. You can keep the Mobile App if you find yourself drunk and bitter and in the mood to fuck with his goods a little further!
And now I await TomTom or Garmin to contact me for my all too brilliant idea!
