The Dos and Donts to Paranormal Investigations

  I recently have returned from investigating the Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, Kentucky. I enjoyed this trip immensely and have found that not only is the place extremely active, but I have felt and heard some of the spirits that are there. The first night, which was a private, 8-hour investigation, went off without a hitch. As expected because it was just 13 of us and we all dressed the part of true blue investigators, we earned the respect of the owners of Waverly Hills. We wore clothing that was comfortable. We wore sneakers/tennis shoes, socks, the whole thing. For example, in one case, four of us took turns laying inside a body tray inside the Morgue of this vast building where thousands died from Tuberculosis. We did this willingly, knowing that fleas were definitely bound to be in there due to furry creatures inhabiting it before we laid in it. Don't worry, we showered heavily soon after.

To my friends and fellow investigators, we kicked some serious ass that first night as well as the second night. However, I now must gripe about the second night so to this I apologize in advance. If you must, feel free to contact me via Twitter to add anything more to this. So here we go: The Dos and Donts to Paranormal Investigations.

DO: Wear comfortable clothing whenever you go out to a location. If you are going into an abandoned building and it's either warm or cold out, it is best to bring along either a jacket, hoodie or sweater to keep warm with. Even a windbreaker, if you've got one. Rain ponchos I wouldn't recommend because in the dark you're going to look like a shadow figure, or a walking oversized condom.

DON'T: Wear clothing that is suitable more for the Boardwalk than Investigations. It was on this second night that I had to bear witness to one of the BIGGEST violations to Paranormal Investigating attire. This young GIRL (not WOMAN!) stepped out of this truck and had on a pair of shorty shorts. Uhm, at which point, if I had been part of her group I would have informed her, NOT kindly but in a very curt way, to go home and put on a pair of jeans. Wearing shorty shorts is something one should wear when going to the beach, not to an investigation.

DO: Wear comfortable shoes. For example, sneakers, or tennis shoes, with comfortable, breathable socks. Why do I suggest this? Because they are, I feel, the best piece of footwear to wear to any paranormal investigation, whether it's hot or cold, indoor or outdoor. I have a very well-worn, but trusting pair of Skechers that have served me well from my very first investigation up to these two nights I had at Waverly Hills. I will continue to use them until they finally give and fall apart into dust.

DON'T: Wear squeaky shoes, tap shoes, ballet shoes, or Flip Flops to an investigation. As I stated before in the Don't on clothing, these types of shoes are to be worn in certain places. In this case, the offending shoes worn were Flip Flops. Yes, you heard me. Someone ACTUALLY wore FLIP FLOPS to a paranormal investigation. This was also the exact same person who wore the Shorty Shorts. And, again I must say, I would have told her to go home and put on a pair of sneakers in addition to jeans. This is an investigation, not a Dougie contest, BITCH!! Are you at the Shore or are you at Waverly Hills? PICK ONE!!

DO: Refrain from wearing any perfume or cologne while on investigation. Paranormal experiences can happen in various ways. Your five senses are involved, including your sense of smell. So, in order to gain a better paranormal experience we now move on to...

DON'T: Wear perfume or cologne to an investigation. On the second night, a fellow investigator pointed out to me that someone was wearing cologne. To this, I hung my head and shook it rather vigorously. Even I, who has had nearly two years under her belt, knows better than to wear her Burberry Body perfume to an investigation. This will throw not only yourself, but others investigating off completely and have them thinking that a spirit is in their presence by the mere whiff of your perfume or cologne. In this case, Drakkar Noir threw us almost all of us under the bus.

DO: Refrain from consuming any alcoholic beverages before conducting a paranormal investigation. Now, I am not asking you to abstain from the sauce for the rest of your lives, but for just one night, I beg. You want to go in clean and sober and knowing your Mel-Meter from your Digital Recorder.

DON'T: Consume large amounts of alcohol prior to an investigation. And now...oy vey...I go back to the Shorty Short, Flip Flop girl. In addition to being offensively underdressed, she was also quite intoxicated. If you want to be taken seriously as a paranormal investigator, please do not imbibe on a Six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) prior to going in and coming out with your professional opinion on whether or not a place is active. This is kind of like hiring a plumber to come and inspect your pipes and he shows up Blitzkrieg Bop drunk off his ass and tells you all is well while your basement slowly becomes your own indoor pool.

DO: Research your history on the site you will be conducting your investigation. I cannot tell you how much this has been stressed to me by not only myself, but by those whom I have learned from in this field. You must, must, must know your history. For example, room 502 of Waverly Hills was where two nurses had died. One of which had hung herself. I knew to read and re-read the history that was furnished to me by the lead investigator and from research I had done prior to my arrival at the location.

DON'T: Get your history nor your rooms mixed up. When me and the group were done conducting our investigation on the second floor, we headed down and saw that the group who had been conducting their "investigation" (IF I can call it THAT!) were reviewing their evidence on the spot. They were excited about capturing something inside of a room where they had conducted "Electric Shock Therapy." But, when they left, it turns out that the room they were in was NOT the Electric Shock Therapy room. Turns out to be a room entirely different. Once again, I hang my head and mourn the death of intelligence and, from the proverbial ashes of this mentally challenged Phoenix, rises STUPIDITY!


In conclusion, if you are interested in being taken seriously in the field of Paranormal Investigation, please follow these rules and don't make me have to bitch smack you or yell at you like a Drill Sargeant. I conduct myself in a serious manner in this field and do not treat it like a joke. If you are trying to impress someone, do your research before you know what you're getting into and stop trying to feign interest. You're just making serious female investigators such as myself look incredibly bad. Take your shorty shorts, your flip flops and your drunken ass out of this building and back home.

Velma has left the building. Thank you and good night!

September 11th 2001: My EXACT Memories!

Now I am going to touch on this extremely bloody day in American history. I remember where I was, what I was doing and my exact location. I had relocated to Orlando, Florida to work for Walt Disney World for experience, college wise. What a beautiful one! At least until that very day in 2001! I remember waking up and turning on the television and seeing that it was in Spaglish! I did not know what to do, other than just go to work. I saw it all! The smoke, the plane, everything! I saw people leaping out of the towers to escape a fate worse than hell! It's not a sight to dwell on! Not at all! I remember being a small child and my mother taking me to Liberty State Park to let me gaze upon the World Trade Center. I wanted to live there at some part, but that was extremely far-fetched! I remembered my grandpa taking me to Windows on The World for dinner once. I have, regretfully, no memory of this and weep that I should have remembered this. Jesus! September 11th has affected me to my extreme core. I grew up close to the Towers and could almost touch them, literally. For those who praise that they fell in praise of Allah I want to beat the crap out of! To kill in the name of GOD is unacceptable and makes me sick to my stomach! I won't apologize for my feelings because this is how I feel. I am not going to apologize for how my heart feels! Fuck you! You try living in a row house within leg distance of the Trade Center distance and see how you feel! I stand on the driveway of where I used to live and weep for those who didn't have to die. I see them very, very, very clearly on that September day jumping voluntarily out of those windows! Just to escape an inevitable fate of death! It is an extremely haunting and disturbing image to have embedded in your mind! It's carved into my head PERMANENTLY! I can't forget it no matter how I try! I see them leaping out of the windows! I see them begging GOD to forgive them of their sins! I see it all! It is extremely disheartening to me to remember this painful day. An all too painful day! My cousins, Melissa and Megan, were the very first on my mind when those planes went into those Towers. They are my blood through and through regardless. I love them even though I feel they do not have a care for me even when I sob for them to be safe. I believe in unconditional love and to believe in KARMA. Melissa and Megan, I DO LOVE YOU! With my entire heart! You. Are. My. Family. I love you both with my heart! I feel empty without your voices telling me for advice. I am here no matter what! I love you both!

Formerly Fat: Ten Years On

  Today marks ten years since I started my journey.  To me, this doesn't feel weird or awkward at all.  The feelings I am having towards this is one of pride.  Pride in myself that I did it.  That I went from being trapped inside a body that wasn't me to this beautiful person, both internally and externally. 

  And, as promised, here is me on the tenth anniversary of my long journey.  I am so proud of me.