In light of recent events, in this I mean Hurricane Sandy (or Superstorm Sandy to some), I have to admit that I am truly very proud of being from New Jersey. I was born and raised here and I love it! However, I have to admit that for a while there was a time when I was not too proud to be from where I was from. I would only tell people that I was just plain from New Jersey. I would leave out the "Shore" part to that in almost every conversation.
Now, I am what I like to term a "Jersey Diner Combo Plate." What does this mean, you ask? Well, I was born in Secaucus, New Jersey. I spent 8 years of my life living in the town of Bayonne, New Jersey. Then, when my uncle sadly passed away and my grandfather got sick, we decided to move down "The Shore." So my family wound up in the town of Toms River, New Jersey, moving there in 1989. So, from 1989 to 2007, we lived there and then my grandmother could no longer climb stairs due to her going blind so we now had to move. So, we wound up buying a little one floor Ranch-style house in the town of Beachwood, New Jersey. So, when I say "Jersey Diner Combo Plate" I mean of the towns I've lived in. You've got a small helping of North Jersey and then a larger helping of Central and Southern New Jersey with a smidgen of The Pine Barrens.
I have traveled this great country of ours and I've been to a lot of places. But no matter what state I go to, I always wind up back in New Jersey. I cannot leave this great state. There is nothing quite like it! We're the Diner Capital of the USA! We do what we want and we say what we want. We are strong, hearty people. Look at us! We got bitch-slapped two years in a row by hurricanes and we came through, especially now! We STILL have beautiful beaches and we will get them back because neither two fucking bitches named Irene and Sandy could keep us down! We bounced back! To Irene and Sandy, I wave both my middle fingers in your miserable faces!
In addition, I am also proud to boast that this great state produced some kick ass musicians. We are proud to call our own the following: Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Whitney Houston, Count Basie, The Four Seasons, Connie Francis, The Jonas Brothers, Les Paul, Queen Latifah, Jimmy Roselli, Southside Johnny, Dionne Warwick and Zakk Wylde. And this list is a short one, and if I missed anybody, I do apologize and respect you. But these are the musicians I am obviously well enough aware of.
We also boast our own version of Las Vegas, aka Atlantic City. Great place! I spent a ton of my informative years there watching my grandparents gamble everything they own there. And I know, they made me sit there at the Handicapped ramp watching them pump quarters into the machine. This was when ACTUAL quarters went into the machine and you had to pull that handle. It's nothing like these fancy new machines where you insert the money and press the buttons. Yeah, I'm old enough to remember the actual use of my hand to pull rather than press. But let's not carbon date me, ok?!
Now, as far as television goes, we boasted some pretty great shows. "Cake Boss" and "Real Housewives of New Jersey" I really love those two! I used to go to Carlo's a lot when I was a kid to get cannolis and cakes. However, now, I have to wait in a line that's eons long, but I wait my turn because Buddy churns out some stellar stuff. And if there is one person I love, it has to be Teresa Giudice. She is one hell of a woman! Absolutely wonderful! Stellar mother, fantastic cook and, like me, she's Italian. In my mind, Italians, whether they are related to each other (by marriage or friendship), always take care and stand by their own. However, if you mess with them or even fuck them over, oh you are in for an ass chewing AND an ass whipping! And we are not afraid of using our Go To weapon of choice: The Wooden Spoon! Or, in some cases, our fists and our mouths. Proud to possess all three in addition to a lovely set of well-sharpened Carving Knives.
If you haven't already caught on in my rambling, yes, I am an Italian from New Jersey. It's kind of like the last name Smith. Italians are more commonly found within the New Jersey/New York area. Your thoughts are to be expected, but we have spread out across the USA and even Canada. Mexico...hmm...not sure. Have yet to run into a guy named Rodrigo Sanchez-Goosatelli down there. But, when my great grandparents came here and got off the boat, they really didn't roam too far. They settled down here in New Jersey, and real close to Ellis Island, too. I think it was just because in case they didn't like it here they didn't have to go too far to hop on the next boat back to Puglia. Just my thought. There are "Little Italy" spots all over this great country, but the one I grew up with in New York got gobbled up by Chinatown and now it's no more than a handful of blocks and Restaurants.
Finally, we come to the one subject that made me not proud of being from New Jersey. That is the show that used to be "Jersey Shore." When that show aired, I thought it would be about how nice it is to come down to the Shore. You know, get a tan, have a good time, ride some rides, eat Kohr's. Something to promote how wonderful we are. Boy, was I wrong! What I came to discover is that it was nothing but a bunch of tanned up (and I've got nothing against tanning, by the way!) BENNYs going out to clubs, getting drunk, dancing, puking up and fucking each other! I watched three episodes and needless to say I had to hold myself back from kicking in my 62" plasma TV with my fist and throwing up on it. I mean...seriously...is THAT how MTV THINKS us REAL people from New Jersey ACT?! Don't get me wrong, I am really sure they are nice people when SOBER, but when drunk?!
So, to all of you out there reading this, I am here to set the facts straight. True New Jerseians are good, kind people. We are very hospitable people. We will gladly hold doors open for you and smile at you. However, we are very nice people until someone or something pisses us off. Then we go "Jersey" on you and let you have it served on a roll. We will go hardcore and curse you out and get in your face. We will ride your ass and pull your hair in the process of doing so. In addition, we will rip you a new asshole, beat you with a baseball bat and tell you to go home and go fuck your mother with a used dildo. When we are done with you, we let you go along your merry way however with your pride in shreds as well as your body and clothing.
"Jersey Shore" pissed me off and made me very not proud to say I was from this great state. Want to know what I did when I went down to Seaside Heights when this show was on air? I would drive by that damn house and FLIP IT OFF WITH BOTH FINGERS! I was driving with my knees and had my moon roof open while holding out both my hands screaming, "FUCK YOU!" VERY loudly.
That show fucked up everything for us down here. Which is why, and I hate to sound dark and cruel, when the show went off the air, Mother Nature took a good look at Seaside Heights. Then she went, "Hmm, show's over. I think it needs to be made over." So, she talked with God and he said, "You're right! They tainted that place something awful. What do you think?" So, she went to him, "They had a hurricane already. But it's not bad to have one more." God nodded and said, "Yeah, but let's have the position of the moon and another storm from the west come in just as it's approaching. We'll call it a Superstorm. What do you say?" Mother Nature grinned, "Oh yeah and my period starts around that time too! Perfect!" So, Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy was born! However, I am now planning on suing God and Mother Nature for the hole in my roof and having to sleep in a Chaise lounge by my front door wrapped up in blankets sleeping with my five cats surrounding me armed with a knife and reading Erotic Romance novels by means of a flash light. In addition for the punitive damages caused by my asshat neighbor who let the fallen other half of the tree still resting on the powerlines for the next month after Sandy hit. Thanks, fuck nut! And while you're at it, get that damn mannequin that managed to survive the storm off your driveway. This isn't a Mandees! Is it ROOTED in the ground?! That fucker didn't even blow away nor fly into my house so now I know it's rooted in the ground pretty damn deep.
The following rant will be followed in an upcoming blog post. So, if you are from New Jersey, stay strong and Restore the Shore. If you're not from New Jersey and you are a Republican member of Congress, I have this to say: THANKS FOR NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS!! 9 billion won't even help! As for that Republican fuck nut in Mississippi, your state got trashed when Katrina hit and you got aid within 10 days. Where's your fucking logic, asshole?! We've been over 70 days waiting for aid and you tell us No. Well, thanks but no thanks, idiot!
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