This is the Velmaverse, where I rule and that's that! It is here where I can be the real me. Here I can talk about anything and everything and not hold anything back. Welcome to the Velmaverse.
I was cruising Twitter like I always do and I see a post that just...just...ugh...just sent me into full on Foamy mode. What is Foamy mode for me? It's when I go off on a high-pitched rant about things that are pissing me off. Now, for those of you who have had the privilege of meeting me in person, you know that I speak my mind on things that piss me off. And I have many levels just as Gabriel Iglesias has his Six Levels of Fat. Well, for me personally, I have Six Levels of Pissed Off. Here it goes:
1) Annoyed: I roll my eyes and ignore it. 2) Irritated: I don't speak and have a permanent scowl on my face. 3) Aggravated: Still scowling and doing 100 mph on the road. 4) Beyond Angered: I am ready to go and purchase an axe at the hardware store. 5) Foamy: Go off on a rant till the vein pops out of my head. 6) Kinison/Carlin: Chew you out until you run crying for your mama.
This Twitter post was one step away from Kinison/Carlin and it's rare of me to go Kinison/Carlin unless you do something that I find out of line, outrageous and just plain wrong. So, I am compelled as you no doubt to write this post.
There are many, many paranormal groups out there in the world. A lot of them are getting their start, a lot are already established and accredited, but a relative handful get to be on television. However, this is about those who are starting out. There is a group out there, and I will keep them anonymous because I don't want to get sued. Don't take me wrong, if I do get sued, I will tell the judge to look at them and kindly consider the facts in this post. I am sure I will win and then, when all is said and done, POW! Small claims court...for the time they made me spend on that libel case! Karma, bitch!
Now back to the subject at hand, there is this group out there and their tactic for getting attention is the following phrase: Sex sells. And they are good at it, but they are making us serious female investigators look bad. I went to an event and saw that they were wearing daisy dukes, high heels and showing off their torsos. And they had the sand to call themselves investigators?! I understand sex sells, but this is going way out of proportion.
When I do an investigation, I find that wearing heels is totally unacceptable and should not be worn. Think of all the audio contamination! I mean, c'mon!
**CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK**
"I caught a strange clicking noise on my digital recorder! There's a ghost there!"
"No, it was Yvette in her 5 inch stilettos!"
So out with the goddamn heels in regards to investigations! Just stick to sneakers or boots. And tag your audio evidence, for fuck sake!
And these mini dresses and shorty shorts and daisy dukes and shit, you've got to be fucking kidding me! God forbid you should put on a pair of jeans! Oh, and now you're cold? Well, I have no sympathy for you! Not going to lend you my coat.
In conclusion, clear heels and Rem-Pods do not mix AT ALL! Sex sells in only one place: The Porn Industry. Let's keep it there, please?!
Two weeks ago, I was processing an Entertainment Weekly magazine at my desk when I noticed the cover. It was talking about a book that has been causing quite a stir and have dubbed it "Mommy Porn." The name of the book was "Fifty Shades of Grey" and it was apparently the talk of the town. I kept telling myself, "I'm not going to read it. I'm not going to read it." But, curiosity was getting the best of me and then I went out for lunch and bought it. I took it home that night and read it.
Now the beginning starts off easy, but then I got deeper into it and let's just say...hmm...I turned fifty shades of red and felt something I had not felt in a very long time. And you ladies out there know what I mean.
Aw, fuck it! I'm going to give it to you straight, no chaser!
It was erotic! It was passionate! It made me feel like having sex! Too bad I'm single.
It stirred the fire inside of me and, you know what, it felt pretty goddamn good!
There, I've said it! Now you can call me a sex maniac all you want now!
But, truthfully, this is a book intended for adults and not young teenagers and kids.
Now, I am not one for the whole Submissive/Dominant thing, but there are people out there who are really into this thing. They have whips, chains, butt plugs and vibrators to help them get off on. And they do! I'm shocked.
I am currently reading book three of the trilogy and I am hooked. Ladies, if you are one who is not into the whole "Sub/Dom" thing but you like romance novels, check out "Fifty Shades of Grey." Who knows? You might bring "the spark" back into the bedroom. You will have me to thank!
And now, for those of you who are inquiring as to what gives me a thrill in the bedroom department, that's absolutely none of your business. What I get off on is told between me and whatever boyfriend I have at the time. So please keep yourself (preferably your eyes) out of my bedroom! I thank you.
If you have already read the book, what did you think of it? Feel free to comment.
Recently, my mother has been putting the pressure on me about the "M" word: Marriage. I have not been in a relationship in two years and so, you can say, my thoughts on relationships and marriage are mixed. I do want to meet Mr. Right (not Mr. Right Now!) and be able to get married. However, I have this constant fear and anxiety that I am going to get hurt all over again. That I am going to think I am his "only one," but then it turns out I am just his "dirty little secret."
But, let's switch gears and focus on the day I do eventually take a walk down the aisle and say "I Do" and "He Does."
First of all, my best friend is going to be my maid of honor. She knows who she is! As far as my bridesmaids go, I have the option of picking my five cousins or six great friends of mine. Now, I know to not pick my cousins would be disrespectful to my family, but come on, it's MY day to shine! I will have who I want in my bridal party, damn it!
Second, my maid of honor and bridesmaids will wear whatever style they want. However, it must be in the following colors: Black, White and Red. They can wear a long dress, short dress, even a two piece suit if they wanted. But in those colors ONLY! If you wear Lime Green, I'm going to blow a gasket!
Third, NO GOLD WEDDING RINGS! I want either silver or black tungsten rings! Gold is extremely gaudy! If you show me gold, I will throw a fit faster than a hooker is offered $100 for her services!
Fourth, I want Mr. Right to meet me halfway up the aisle and take me by the hand to the altar. We are embarking on this journey together so we might as well start at the altar together. When I come up that aisle towards you, I will no longer walk alone as I take your hand and begin our life together.
Fifth, when it comes to the vows, I want to make them completely special and intimate. Nothing too mushy or lovey dovey, but just right for us. Something we will always remember for years to come.
And lastly, your song to dance to with me BETTER, BETTER BE a Def Leppard song!
And with that said, this is what you are to expect at my wedding!
