This is the Velmaverse, where I rule and that's that! It is here where I can be the real me. Here I can talk about anything and everything and not hold anything back. Welcome to the Velmaverse.
I was cruising Twitter like I always do and I see a post that just...just...ugh...just sent me into full on Foamy mode. What is Foamy mode for me? It's when I go off on a high-pitched rant about things that are pissing me off. Now, for those of you who have had the privilege of meeting me in person, you know that I speak my mind on things that piss me off. And I have many levels just as Gabriel Iglesias has his Six Levels of Fat. Well, for me personally, I have Six Levels of Pissed Off. Here it goes:
1) Annoyed: I roll my eyes and ignore it. 2) Irritated: I don't speak and have a permanent scowl on my face. 3) Aggravated: Still scowling and doing 100 mph on the road. 4) Beyond Angered: I am ready to go and purchase an axe at the hardware store. 5) Foamy: Go off on a rant till the vein pops out of my head. 6) Kinison/Carlin: Chew you out until you run crying for your mama.
This Twitter post was one step away from Kinison/Carlin and it's rare of me to go Kinison/Carlin unless you do something that I find out of line, outrageous and just plain wrong. So, I am compelled as you no doubt to write this post.
There are many, many paranormal groups out there in the world. A lot of them are getting their start, a lot are already established and accredited, but a relative handful get to be on television. However, this is about those who are starting out. There is a group out there, and I will keep them anonymous because I don't want to get sued. Don't take me wrong, if I do get sued, I will tell the judge to look at them and kindly consider the facts in this post. I am sure I will win and then, when all is said and done, POW! Small claims court...for the time they made me spend on that libel case! Karma, bitch!
Now back to the subject at hand, there is this group out there and their tactic for getting attention is the following phrase: Sex sells. And they are good at it, but they are making us serious female investigators look bad. I went to an event and saw that they were wearing daisy dukes, high heels and showing off their torsos. And they had the sand to call themselves investigators?! I understand sex sells, but this is going way out of proportion.
When I do an investigation, I find that wearing heels is totally unacceptable and should not be worn. Think of all the audio contamination! I mean, c'mon!
**CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK**
"I caught a strange clicking noise on my digital recorder! There's a ghost there!"
"No, it was Yvette in her 5 inch stilettos!"
So out with the goddamn heels in regards to investigations! Just stick to sneakers or boots. And tag your audio evidence, for fuck sake!
And these mini dresses and shorty shorts and daisy dukes and shit, you've got to be fucking kidding me! God forbid you should put on a pair of jeans! Oh, and now you're cold? Well, I have no sympathy for you! Not going to lend you my coat.
In conclusion, clear heels and Rem-Pods do not mix AT ALL! Sex sells in only one place: The Porn Industry. Let's keep it there, please?!
Two weeks ago, I was processing an Entertainment Weekly magazine at my desk when I noticed the cover. It was talking about a book that has been causing quite a stir and have dubbed it "Mommy Porn." The name of the book was "Fifty Shades of Grey" and it was apparently the talk of the town. I kept telling myself, "I'm not going to read it. I'm not going to read it." But, curiosity was getting the best of me and then I went out for lunch and bought it. I took it home that night and read it.
Now the beginning starts off easy, but then I got deeper into it and let's just say...hmm...I turned fifty shades of red and felt something I had not felt in a very long time. And you ladies out there know what I mean.
Aw, fuck it! I'm going to give it to you straight, no chaser!
It was erotic! It was passionate! It made me feel like having sex! Too bad I'm single.
It stirred the fire inside of me and, you know what, it felt pretty goddamn good!
There, I've said it! Now you can call me a sex maniac all you want now!
But, truthfully, this is a book intended for adults and not young teenagers and kids.
Now, I am not one for the whole Submissive/Dominant thing, but there are people out there who are really into this thing. They have whips, chains, butt plugs and vibrators to help them get off on. And they do! I'm shocked.
I am currently reading book three of the trilogy and I am hooked. Ladies, if you are one who is not into the whole "Sub/Dom" thing but you like romance novels, check out "Fifty Shades of Grey." Who knows? You might bring "the spark" back into the bedroom. You will have me to thank!
And now, for those of you who are inquiring as to what gives me a thrill in the bedroom department, that's absolutely none of your business. What I get off on is told between me and whatever boyfriend I have at the time. So please keep yourself (preferably your eyes) out of my bedroom! I thank you.
If you have already read the book, what did you think of it? Feel free to comment.
Recently, my mother has been putting the pressure on me about the "M" word: Marriage. I have not been in a relationship in two years and so, you can say, my thoughts on relationships and marriage are mixed. I do want to meet Mr. Right (not Mr. Right Now!) and be able to get married. However, I have this constant fear and anxiety that I am going to get hurt all over again. That I am going to think I am his "only one," but then it turns out I am just his "dirty little secret."
But, let's switch gears and focus on the day I do eventually take a walk down the aisle and say "I Do" and "He Does."
First of all, my best friend is going to be my maid of honor. She knows who she is! As far as my bridesmaids go, I have the option of picking my five cousins or six great friends of mine. Now, I know to not pick my cousins would be disrespectful to my family, but come on, it's MY day to shine! I will have who I want in my bridal party, damn it!
Second, my maid of honor and bridesmaids will wear whatever style they want. However, it must be in the following colors: Black, White and Red. They can wear a long dress, short dress, even a two piece suit if they wanted. But in those colors ONLY! If you wear Lime Green, I'm going to blow a gasket!
Third, NO GOLD WEDDING RINGS! I want either silver or black tungsten rings! Gold is extremely gaudy! If you show me gold, I will throw a fit faster than a hooker is offered $100 for her services!
Fourth, I want Mr. Right to meet me halfway up the aisle and take me by the hand to the altar. We are embarking on this journey together so we might as well start at the altar together. When I come up that aisle towards you, I will no longer walk alone as I take your hand and begin our life together.
Fifth, when it comes to the vows, I want to make them completely special and intimate. Nothing too mushy or lovey dovey, but just right for us. Something we will always remember for years to come.
And lastly, your song to dance to with me BETTER, BETTER BE a Def Leppard song!
And with that said, this is what you are to expect at my wedding!
Today during my lunch I saw a post that a friend of mine had posted about her neighbor. What it entailed was that her neighbor had bought rims worth $4,000 and he put them onto his 1998 piece of shit vehicle. Now I just had to laugh at this because this is something that I see everyday at work and at home. I drive past them and they drive past my house blaring Wiz Khalifa at a volume that can be heard as Tonopah, Nevada.
I can understand you needing something to get you from here to there, and that's fine. However, I do not understand why you would spend all this money for these high end rims and you stick them onto your 1992 Honda P.O.S with multi-colored doors and a rusted out hood with one side mirror hanging off! What the hell is wrong with you?! You could've used this money to buy yourself a brand new USED car! But NOOOOO...you just HAD to have the rims so you can show all of your friends how "GANGSTA" you are.
These cars are downright ridiculous! Often times, it's these white trash urban rednecks that own these damn things. At least in my neighborhood anyway! When they drive past my house, I want nothing more than to throw out a set of Spike Strips just as their doing 45 down a street clearly marked 25. When they get out to complain, I will reach into their car, yank out their radio and throw it right into a fucking pool! Then I will pull up their pants, take the belt, tie the pants over their head with it and kick them square in the ASS!
To all the McSkeezer WannabeMackDaddies out there, and this is for the white ones, stop spending money on making your piece of shit Honda or whatever vehicle that you drive look better. Use the money for something else! You got kids? Buy them a swing set! Take them to Disney World! Do something resourceful and useful for this thriving economy of ours! Don't spend it on rims, please?!
I became a huge fan of the show back in 2010 when I started to make changes to my life. I will never forget being inside the Willard Intercontinental Hotel in Washington DC on a Friday night. I was having trouble sleeping and I rarely, if ever, go to bed at 9pm. But that was then and this is now. But anyways, I turn on the Travel Channel to see what's on and, lo and behold, there was Zak, Nick and Aaron on a lockdown. Forgive my ever fading memory and don't hang me by my thumbs, but I don't remember the exact episode that I was watching.
And I thought to myself, "Wow! I believe in ghosts, but I never knew there was a show out there like this." Now, I've seen "Ghost Hunters" before and the show was okay. But something about these guys just sparked my interest in the Paranormal and Ghost Hunting. I've always had an interest in doing something like this, but out of fear of being labeled a weirdo, I went and lived a "normal" existence. But, the Ghost Adventures Crew put that spark back into me and for that I thank them.
I will also tell you what else they have done for me. I have been going to Ghost Adventures/Darkness Radio events for over a year now. I really enjoy going to them! Here's the story about my very first event.
It was at The Stanley Hotel in March 2011 and when I got there I didn't know a single person there. I was there by myself and did not know anybody other than those I talked to online. Then, I met Zory, the GAC Intern, and she welcomed me into the GAC Family. Just the kindest, warmest and kick butt person I've ever met. Then I met the Darkness Radio family, who also made me feel welcomed as well. I met Susan, Mallie and Dave, who are just absolutely fantastic hosts. In addition, I got to meet Mark and Debby Constantino, Chris Fleming, Aaron Sagers and Jeff Belanger, another group of awesome people.
Then, I met Zak, Aaron and Billy. The guys who put the spark back in me and made me turn myself around for the absolute best. I was a little shy at first when I met them, nervous too. But, I kept my cool and introduced myself to them. They were really nice to me and autographed their photos for me. Now, it was my birthday but I was too shy to even ask them to wish me a happy birthday. At least I told them later on and I got it! Yay!
After the event at the Stanley ended, I had found myself from having very few close friends to having an ARMY of them. So close we can smell each other's B.O.! However, I knew that I would be coming back for more events.
Three weeks later, I found myself at Ohio State Reformatory and made more new friends in the GAC and Darkness Radio family. But, if there is anything from this event that I have learned, you keep your friends close and stay as far the FUCK AWAY from the Crazies as you possibly can! Enough said!
In the course of the summer, I had come to an epiphany: I am no longer going to go to Disney World every single year for the rest of my life! I am going to do GAC and Darkness Radio events until the day I die and they'll have to find my ass floating around! And here's what my EVP will be: Sunflower.
I am still going to these events so if you happen to be at one of them look for a 5'7" tall red head in glasses wearing a Big Steppin' hoodie. Stop me and I will say hi and figure out if you friended me on Facebook or stalk me on Twitter. Just kidding!
In addition, The Ghost Adventures Crew have taught me a lot at how to conduct myself during an investigation. They taught me to not wear squeaky shoes (Thanks, Zak!), tag my audio whenever I have to sneeze, walk or burp, and to say thank you afterwards for communicating with me. I am also doing non-event investigations as well, too! I have gone out on my own with a team of investigators out of Virginia and we investigated Gettysburg and Bobby Mackey's Music World. I had a lot of fun and I've gotten much more enjoyment out of it than I did when I repeatedly went to Disney World and rode "It's a Small World" over and over again.
Which reminds me...Hey, Zak, if you read this, you do not want to go on "It's A Small World"! LOADED with dolls and, one time I was on there, a doll's head actually exploded off its body and landed in the water near ME! If it had been you, you'd have been swimming for the exit! Enough said!
I now conclude by telling you that the Ghost Adventures Crew has done so much for me. They put the spark AND the spunk back in me to realize what I want to truly do from now until my time has come to pick the place where I will haunt people for eternity, or at least until I find the Light. They have introduced me to people who didn't think they were weird for believing in the same things I thought I was weird for. They have stopped me from doing the same thing every year and have gotten me into something I really want to do over and over again. They may not know this, but they have done more for me than they realize. For that, I humbly thank them and show them nothing but love and respect.
Zak Bagans, Nick Groff, Aaron Goodwin, Billy Tolley, thank you so much!
XOXO Velma
My favorite scene thus far! Zak, I hope you're not still mad about that Clown doll I sent you at ScareFest! ((Hiding Behind Wall))
Today I turned on the news and saw something that both shocked and angered me. In Sanford, Florida last month, a 17-year-old boy named Trayvon Martin went to the store for some Skittles and Iced Tea. On his way back, he was spotted by a man named George Zimmerman, who thought he looked suspicious and proceeded to call 911. Rather than proceed to let the police come and do their job, he followed Trayvon and caught up with him. Then Mr. Zimmerman accosted him and a scuffle ensued. Another person called 911 to ask police come and intervene on a scuffle occuring outside her house. The shouts of Trayvon could be heard in the 911 call. Shouts for "Help" and "Help Me," but help never came. Mr. Zimmerman shot and killed Trayvon that night, taking the life of a promising young man. When the police arrived, Mr. Zimmerman said he did it in self-defense and that he was doing his duty as a Neighborhood Watch volunteer
Now, you think that's the end of the story, right? Sadly, this is just the beginning of a great injustice. And I am here to tell you why.
George Zimmerman, a man who once aspired to be a cop, suffered from something called "Hero Syndrome" according to an article. He went to college to study criminal justice. He legally carried a gun and took pride in his self-appointed role as Captain of the Night Patrol at the town house commons where he lived. He would go door-to-door telling the neighbors to watch out for "Young Black Men" and go around at night walking his dog and carrying this gun. In addition, he called 911 50 times within a span of months about suspicious activity, windows open, break-ins, etc.
If you ask me, the "job" had clearly gone to his head and upon seeing a "young black male" walk past his window, his overzealousness overcame him in his quest to be a "Hero." Here was his opportunity to become a hero and it was walking past his front window. Right place, right time for Mr. Zimmerman. Wrong time, wrong place for poor Trayvon.
I am in no way shape or form praising Mr. Zimmerman for his "heroic actions." What I see is not heroic at all. I call it an opportunity for murder. A muder in cold blood all for selfish purposes of wanting to be a "Hero."
George Zimmerman, you are no hero at all! Trayvon Martin's blood is on your hands and it is there still. I hope when you go to bed at night that you see his face and you hear his voice still calling for "help" as you so viciously took his life the night of February 26th. In truth, I do not know how you sleep at night knowing that you killed someone and you're walking around free when you ought to be in a jail cell. You are no hero! You are a murderer! A slime bag! And I hope you get what you deserve: LIFE IN PRISON OR THE DEATH PENALTY!
Please, to those of you who read this, please take your time and sign the petition to help bring this young man's killer to justice. Let's show this MURDERER he is not a HERO.
I know nothing can bring Trayvon Martin back, but let's do something and bring justice for his family. Let's put Mr. Zimmerman in jail where he belongs.
Ahh, LC, you have failed to heed my warning, yet you continue. As if my three posts before did not get through to you, I am now forced...er, wait...voluntarily now posting a fourth!
I was informed by Stee that now that you have been called out, you have now taken your dramatic bullshit and have attempted to get an anonymous celebrity to take your side. Yet, that celebrity has a life of their own and has discontinued to listen to your whining baby bullshit. I do not blame them one bit. In addition, another cannot stand being involved in such drama and has asked that she be left out of it. I understand and sympathize with them. I can't take drama and, as a matter of fact, if there is drama, I am like a match in a hurricane: Out instantaneously!
However, since drama is becoming so frequent in my life now that you have made your unfortunate return, I am now going to put an end to it. So, yet another message to LC:
LC, you are taking things WAYYYYY too personally. Those jokes me and Stee shared at that time were definitely not about you and not aimed towards you in any way whatsoever. If I wanted to say something about you, I would consult with you well in advance before I said ANYTHING! In addition, get over yourself, please?! Stop trying to cover for yourself when you know you are wrong for what you did!
With that said, and with the week I have had, can you please get the fuck off my mind! Please do something productive, find a hobby, anything other than bashing people on Twitter!! With this, I bid thee farewell!
