On June 7th 2002, I followed through one of the most drastic and most complicated decisions that I had ever had to make in my entire life. I made the decision that I was going to have Gastric By-pass surgery. I know some of you out there see this as a "Get Thin Quick" surgery, but trust me, it's way more than that. The surgical part and the diet afterwards is the easy part, but there's a long road ahead after that. And I am here to share that. I have gone from a size 32 to a size 12 within these nearly ten years that have gone by. I am pretty darn proud of the progress I have made and will continue to keep on keepin' on.
First and foremost, I have no regrets in my decision of having this surgery. Second, I did what I had to do in order to curtail my overeating to fill the voids in my life. Thirdly, I wasn't ready to die from neither sleep apnea nor morbid obesity. I wanted to live and I was willing to do whatever was possible to do such. Surgery was my last resort. And when the time came, I went into the operating room filled with nothing but positivity and my faith in the higher plane. If I was meant to live, great. If I wasn't, I knew I was going on to a better place. But I lived and I am extremely happy that I made it through.
Once the pain of the surgery and the adjustments ran its course, I now found myself at a crossroads. On this, I got lost. I thought I could eat the same things that I could before when I was at my worst (325 lbs to be exact), but that wasn't true. I could no longer eat peanut butter without having heart palpitations. I could no longer eat ice cream without having the "Dumping Syndrome," also known as Diarrhea Extreme. Milk became my worst enemy as well. At first, I was angry and frustrated about this change in my diet, but, overtime, I came to accept that now I had to do without these things in order to live. I no longer keep Peanut butter in my cupboard. I drink milk but only in very tiny doses and now taking calcium in pill form to make up for my lack of milk consumption.
In 2002, I was 325 lbs and extremely unhappy about it. I ate to fill the voids of the deaths of my grandfather and uncle. I ate to satisfy some sort of void that I felt needed to be filled. In truth, food was both a close friend and an arch nemesis. It was good to me, but in truth it was slowly killing me from the inside out.
I thank god for me being kicked off that ride at the boardwalk to help me see the light and realize that I was slowly killing myself by eating to cope. I have gone from being a zero to Velma all within a span of ten years. And I am extremely proud of my progress and will continue onwards and upwards!
To my friends out there who struggle with their weight and being obese, know this: You are not alone. I know what it's like to be down in the dumps and to be ridiculed and made to feel like you aren't "normal." I walked in your shoes and have experienced being rejected and pushed to the wayside. I know what it's like! You are not alone! You are not alone at all!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Is This Love That I'm Feeling?
Recently, I have been taking a break from dating men and now I am giving this dating thing a try. In addition, I had to sit down and regroup about the "L" word: Love. I thought I knew what it was and I thought I had it. However, it turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing and it left my heart unable to show love for a long time.
It was in this past year that I began to get out and make friends that I encountered this person. This guy. His name is Anonymous. And for the first time in a long time, those feelings began to stir. You know that feeling you get when your heart goes pitter patter. You feel like the room is spinning. Little things make you think about them. All those things.
I started to think, "Hmm, did Cupid just shoot me in the ass??"
I have not made it known to this person, but I wish I could without sounding like a fucking idiot or some stupid teenaged girl. I hate keeping it all bottled up inside! I made it a goal to stop keeping my emotions and feelings bottled up. I cannot take being quiet any longer! Bottling up ends in 2012.
So, here it goes:
To Anonymous,
This is taking every single bit of my strength and energy to write this post. I do hope that you understand what I am saying I am saying it from my heart and my soul. Anonymous, I like you a lot and I am being serious about this. Eversince I first met you, I have wanted to make a great first impression with you. And I think I did. The second time I met you, I wanted to catch your eye. And I think I did, but not at the right moment. The third time, I wanted to make you laugh. And I think I did, or so I'd like to think. The fourth time, I wanted to gain your friendship, but I know that's going to be a gradual process. I know it's going to take time for you and I to become friends. I know it's going to take even more time before ANYthing happens between us. In addition, I know it's going to take a lot of trust and respect for ANYthing to happen between us. I am willing to be patient on this and with you.
If I am not what you want or what you need at this time, I am more than understanding and am willing to admit defeat. But know this, Anonymous, I know what my heart wants and what I said came deep from my heart. As much as your rejection hurts me, I know that I am strong and willing to move on.
If I am what you want and need, it would make me the happiest woman in the world. It would be my Halloween, Christmas and New Year's to know that I am the one you want. And I give you this in return: Loyalty, Honesty, Faithfulness, Love and Respect. I will never, ever do you wrong or hurt you. I will be honest in anything and everything with you, Anonymous. I only want one thing out of you: Your Happiness.
With Deep Respect,
Nicole (aka Velma)
Alright, now with this said, I ask myself: Is This Love That I'm Feeling?
It was in this past year that I began to get out and make friends that I encountered this person. This guy. His name is Anonymous. And for the first time in a long time, those feelings began to stir. You know that feeling you get when your heart goes pitter patter. You feel like the room is spinning. Little things make you think about them. All those things.
I started to think, "Hmm, did Cupid just shoot me in the ass??"
I have not made it known to this person, but I wish I could without sounding like a fucking idiot or some stupid teenaged girl. I hate keeping it all bottled up inside! I made it a goal to stop keeping my emotions and feelings bottled up. I cannot take being quiet any longer! Bottling up ends in 2012.
So, here it goes:
To Anonymous,
This is taking every single bit of my strength and energy to write this post. I do hope that you understand what I am saying I am saying it from my heart and my soul. Anonymous, I like you a lot and I am being serious about this. Eversince I first met you, I have wanted to make a great first impression with you. And I think I did. The second time I met you, I wanted to catch your eye. And I think I did, but not at the right moment. The third time, I wanted to make you laugh. And I think I did, or so I'd like to think. The fourth time, I wanted to gain your friendship, but I know that's going to be a gradual process. I know it's going to take time for you and I to become friends. I know it's going to take even more time before ANYthing happens between us. In addition, I know it's going to take a lot of trust and respect for ANYthing to happen between us. I am willing to be patient on this and with you.
If I am not what you want or what you need at this time, I am more than understanding and am willing to admit defeat. But know this, Anonymous, I know what my heart wants and what I said came deep from my heart. As much as your rejection hurts me, I know that I am strong and willing to move on.
If I am what you want and need, it would make me the happiest woman in the world. It would be my Halloween, Christmas and New Year's to know that I am the one you want. And I give you this in return: Loyalty, Honesty, Faithfulness, Love and Respect. I will never, ever do you wrong or hurt you. I will be honest in anything and everything with you, Anonymous. I only want one thing out of you: Your Happiness.
With Deep Respect,
Nicole (aka Velma)
Alright, now with this said, I ask myself: Is This Love That I'm Feeling?
Saturday, January 21, 2012
It's All About Change: A Retrospect
2011 was what I like to call my year of radical change. This year was filled with exactly that: Change. Lots of things changed in my life. I changed the way I ate. I changed the way I behaved. I changed my vacation schedule. I changed the way I look. Everything changed! Let's go back to the beginning, shall we?
The beginning of the year, I found myself recuperating from heartache only to find myself in front of a window of opportunity. I got the chance to go to a Ghost Adventures/Darkness Radio event. My very first one! Yay! So, rather than take my once customary solo trip to Disney World, I switched it up. I made the trip to the Stanley Hotel and this is where the ball got rolling. I met an awesome group of people that unintentionally breezed into my life and helped to bring out the absolute best in me. Here they are in no order whatsoever.
1) Zory: GAC Intern, Super fan and my best friend. She knows it! The sister I always wish I had.
2) Zak, Nick and Aaron: Met two out of three of them. I like to call them the firefighters who pulled me out of a burning building that was my old life.
3) Dave and Mallie: Darkness Radio hosts. Took me under their wings and welcomed me into the world of Darkness.
4) Mark and Debby: EVP Experts. Super awesome people.
5) Jeff: The Jeff Foxworthy of the Paranormal World. I am the self-proclaimed Sam Kinison.
6) Chris: Psychic Medium. He and I had one heck of an encounter at Ohio State Reformatory. Awesome times!
7) A. Goodwin Collections Guys: Christian and Adam, you guys are awesome and I will be getting a painting for my office in the very, very near future. Count on it!
8) Billy: Awesome EVP Analyst and kick ass DJ. Awesome friend, too! Thanks for the buds!
9) GAC Family (Related and Unrelated): Too many of you to name, but you know who you are. You put a smile on my face. GAC Family forever and ever! Love and Respect.
That one event soon snowballed into going to further events and getting to meet more and more people, making more and more friends. I started taking free online classes on how to be a proper and professional Paranormal Investigator. I joined a Paranormal group and went to the most haunted location: Bobby Mackey's Music World. Scary stuff! I LOVE IT!
I started to discontinue caring about what people thought about me. I began to speak without having to hold back. However, I choose my words wisely, but I will not hold back on how I feel about things.
I gained and earned the respect of many people in the parnormal world. I am thankful to be making connections in this field and I look forward to learning from every single one of them. Much love and respect.
Now, as I enter the year of 2012, I feel there is more change in store for me. What it is? I do not know, but I welcome and accept it with an open heart and open arms. Bring it on!
Now for the GAC Family out there, here are a couple of Vlogs by Mr. Big Steppin' himself: Aaron Goodwin
The beginning of the year, I found myself recuperating from heartache only to find myself in front of a window of opportunity. I got the chance to go to a Ghost Adventures/Darkness Radio event. My very first one! Yay! So, rather than take my once customary solo trip to Disney World, I switched it up. I made the trip to the Stanley Hotel and this is where the ball got rolling. I met an awesome group of people that unintentionally breezed into my life and helped to bring out the absolute best in me. Here they are in no order whatsoever.
1) Zory: GAC Intern, Super fan and my best friend. She knows it! The sister I always wish I had.
2) Zak, Nick and Aaron: Met two out of three of them. I like to call them the firefighters who pulled me out of a burning building that was my old life.
3) Dave and Mallie: Darkness Radio hosts. Took me under their wings and welcomed me into the world of Darkness.
4) Mark and Debby: EVP Experts. Super awesome people.
5) Jeff: The Jeff Foxworthy of the Paranormal World. I am the self-proclaimed Sam Kinison.
6) Chris: Psychic Medium. He and I had one heck of an encounter at Ohio State Reformatory. Awesome times!
7) A. Goodwin Collections Guys: Christian and Adam, you guys are awesome and I will be getting a painting for my office in the very, very near future. Count on it!
8) Billy: Awesome EVP Analyst and kick ass DJ. Awesome friend, too! Thanks for the buds!
9) GAC Family (Related and Unrelated): Too many of you to name, but you know who you are. You put a smile on my face. GAC Family forever and ever! Love and Respect.
That one event soon snowballed into going to further events and getting to meet more and more people, making more and more friends. I started taking free online classes on how to be a proper and professional Paranormal Investigator. I joined a Paranormal group and went to the most haunted location: Bobby Mackey's Music World. Scary stuff! I LOVE IT!
I started to discontinue caring about what people thought about me. I began to speak without having to hold back. However, I choose my words wisely, but I will not hold back on how I feel about things.
I gained and earned the respect of many people in the parnormal world. I am thankful to be making connections in this field and I look forward to learning from every single one of them. Much love and respect.
Now, as I enter the year of 2012, I feel there is more change in store for me. What it is? I do not know, but I welcome and accept it with an open heart and open arms. Bring it on!
Now for the GAC Family out there, here are a couple of Vlogs by Mr. Big Steppin' himself: Aaron Goodwin
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Deal With Last Names
Recently, I have been noticing a trend in women, especially ones who get married, that they are hyphenating their last names. Now, I do not mind this. It's their choice. But I wonder one question: What happens if you break up and you get married again, do you hyphenate your second husband's last name onto your already hyphenated last name? Yeah, this is the kind of stuff I seriously ponder when the lights suddenly go out.
I wonder if in some states or countries that when you get divorced that you are required to hyphenate your last name a second and third, maybe even a fourth, time. Thank god I know of no such laws in the state of New Jersey. I would hate to be known as Nicole Jillian Massa-Smythe-Jones-Chuchinsky-Winiford-Van Wickenberg. Now try saying that five times backwards and forwards.
This is where I must put forth my own rule: When and if I get married, I have every single intention of dropping my maiden name in favor of my husband's last name. When I get married, I am going to take the full Platinum package: Last name, DNA, any children, the works. However, if he wants me to hyphenate my last name, I will do that. I will be more than happy to do that. I am flexible on this issue.
And now, with that out there, now going to go wait for Mr. Mine.
I wonder if in some states or countries that when you get divorced that you are required to hyphenate your last name a second and third, maybe even a fourth, time. Thank god I know of no such laws in the state of New Jersey. I would hate to be known as Nicole Jillian Massa-Smythe-Jones-Chuchinsky-Winiford-Van Wickenberg. Now try saying that five times backwards and forwards.
This is where I must put forth my own rule: When and if I get married, I have every single intention of dropping my maiden name in favor of my husband's last name. When I get married, I am going to take the full Platinum package: Last name, DNA, any children, the works. However, if he wants me to hyphenate my last name, I will do that. I will be more than happy to do that. I am flexible on this issue.
And now, with that out there, now going to go wait for Mr. Mine.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Am I Married To Him? (A Comedy of Drunken Errors)
Tonight, I got one of the best laughs I ever had in my entire life. I just got home from work and I turned on Facebook like I always do. So up pops a message from someone I barely knew and who did not know me either. So, I open the message box and see this:
"Are you and Zak merry?"
I type back, "What?"
"Are you and Zak marry?"
My jaw fell open and I immediately began to crack up laughing. I clicked out of the message box and put the laptop down because I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes and my sides began to hurt. This had to be one of the most hilarious questions I have ever had asked of me. EVER!
I told three very close friends of mine about this and all three were equally as cracked up as I was. Let's just say that I think my three friends were falling on the floor wetting themselves.
I feel that at this time I present to you two possible answers to this question: Am I married to Zak Bagans?? Let's start with answer one, shall we?
ANSWER ONE: Me and Zak have a chance meeting in Las Vegas. I was walking out of the Wynn and he was walking in. We realize we met at one of the events so we decide to catch up and have some drinks. So, a couple Heinekens later and buzzed, we decide to buy ourselves some 2 foot Margaritas from a stand outside and laugh it up. Even more buzzed, we try to work it off by doing some very bad white people dancing, but we work up a thirst so we decide to do Jaeger Bombs. After we had our second drinks, completely unaware that we were totally wasted, we look at each other and the drunken conversation followed:
Drunk Zak: You're cute! Wanna get married?
Drunk Velma: You're sexy! Yeah, let's get married!
So, sobering up the best we can, we get the license and we high tail it over to Gothic Weddings on Las Vegas Blvd South for a hastily prepared Vampire Wedding. Still buzzing, we are both dressed in black from our heads down to our feet, complete with fake teeth punctures in our necks. Why I chose to wear an Elvira wig in our wedding portrait I haven't a clue. I can only chalk it up to the fact that I was drunk at the time. We both sported vampire fangs, which is all I can remember because when we kissed we both made each other's lower lips bleed.
When it came time to exchange rings, we were in a hurry. And in our haste, we didn't stop at a Zales or a shop on The Strip, but at the nearest Wal-greens and picked up Ring Pops. We had our first fight as a couple that night. He wanted the Red and Black Ring Pop and I wanted the same thing. To which he said we can't have matching rings. At least not the same flavor. I begrudgingly then chose the pink Bubblegum flavor Ring Pop with the blue base because we were in a hurry.
The ceremony was romantic, if you call Marilyn Manson walking you down the aisle as "Father of the Bride" romantic. "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" was playing as I was walking down the aisle. "If I Was Your Vampire" was playing shortly afterwards, followed by our first dance as husband and wife to "Love Song for Vampire" by Annie Lennox.
Then came the time to consummate the marriage and here is where the slate is wiped clean by Mr. Jaegermesiter, Mr. Guinness, Mr. Heineken and Sammy Hagar. It's become a scene out of the animated film "Madagascar."
The next day, after the Bombs, Ritas and Heineys have worn off, I wake up in a hotel room which I know is not the one I checked into. The sound in the distance tells me it's the Bellagio because it's Andrea Bocelli singing and a sudden cannon-like fire sounds tells me it's the fountains. Now I know I am at the Bellagio when I know my room and all my personal effects are at the MGM Grand. I go to wipe the crap (or sand) out of my eyes, realizing that my hair is stuck to something. It's a Ring Pop...a cherry flavor one stuck to a black setting! Attached to said ring is a muscular hand. I look down and see Zak, out cold and breathing, his Ring Pop stuck in my hair. I turn to look at my hand, which remained in the Ring Pop packaging and that is when I sober up FAST.
WE GOT MARRIED!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHO SPIKED OUR DRINKS?! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!
Then, Zak wakes up and looks at me with his Ring Pop entangled in my hair, mutters something incoherently before snapping awake and we both scream in each other's face. We both realize our drunken regrets and negotiate a "Divorce Settlement," if you can recall scrubbing teeth and gargling with gallons of Mouth Wash stolen from a nearby Maid's cart a settlement. We agree that what was done was done in haste and that we share some things in common. So, rather than be tabloid fodder, we decide to make things work between us. And we tried, we REALLY tried. But, just a mere 77 days after our drunken nuptials, we've come to the conclusion that we have got nothing in common at all and decide to divorce. We come to the mutual decision to split things in half! So now the show we know as "Ghost Adventures" has now become the show "Ghost Ad," because I now own the "Ventures" bit of it.
In conclusion, yes, Zak and I were married but the judge turned out to be a woman and Zak got screwed big time. Now he is forced to wear black for eternity until he can pay my legal fees.
ANSWER TWO: We were never, ever married. I have nothing but the upmost respect, love and trust of someone whom I've considered to be an incredible friend. To even link us, even by a photograph of us looking extremely close, as something as remotely romantic is something that I find puzzling. Unless by some trick of fate that this should come to fruition, thank you for the premonition. If it doesn't happen, I am going to keep my chin firmly up and do as The Left Banke say, "Just Walk Away Renee." I am strong. I've overcome being stood up, being disappointed and being let down. I have a back up plan already. Just going to keep walking away...Renee!
"Are you and Zak merry?"
I type back, "What?"
"Are you and Zak marry?"
My jaw fell open and I immediately began to crack up laughing. I clicked out of the message box and put the laptop down because I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes and my sides began to hurt. This had to be one of the most hilarious questions I have ever had asked of me. EVER!
I told three very close friends of mine about this and all three were equally as cracked up as I was. Let's just say that I think my three friends were falling on the floor wetting themselves.
I feel that at this time I present to you two possible answers to this question: Am I married to Zak Bagans?? Let's start with answer one, shall we?
ANSWER ONE: Me and Zak have a chance meeting in Las Vegas. I was walking out of the Wynn and he was walking in. We realize we met at one of the events so we decide to catch up and have some drinks. So, a couple Heinekens later and buzzed, we decide to buy ourselves some 2 foot Margaritas from a stand outside and laugh it up. Even more buzzed, we try to work it off by doing some very bad white people dancing, but we work up a thirst so we decide to do Jaeger Bombs. After we had our second drinks, completely unaware that we were totally wasted, we look at each other and the drunken conversation followed:
Drunk Zak: You're cute! Wanna get married?
Drunk Velma: You're sexy! Yeah, let's get married!
So, sobering up the best we can, we get the license and we high tail it over to Gothic Weddings on Las Vegas Blvd South for a hastily prepared Vampire Wedding. Still buzzing, we are both dressed in black from our heads down to our feet, complete with fake teeth punctures in our necks. Why I chose to wear an Elvira wig in our wedding portrait I haven't a clue. I can only chalk it up to the fact that I was drunk at the time. We both sported vampire fangs, which is all I can remember because when we kissed we both made each other's lower lips bleed.
When it came time to exchange rings, we were in a hurry. And in our haste, we didn't stop at a Zales or a shop on The Strip, but at the nearest Wal-greens and picked up Ring Pops. We had our first fight as a couple that night. He wanted the Red and Black Ring Pop and I wanted the same thing. To which he said we can't have matching rings. At least not the same flavor. I begrudgingly then chose the pink Bubblegum flavor Ring Pop with the blue base because we were in a hurry.
The ceremony was romantic, if you call Marilyn Manson walking you down the aisle as "Father of the Bride" romantic. "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" was playing as I was walking down the aisle. "If I Was Your Vampire" was playing shortly afterwards, followed by our first dance as husband and wife to "Love Song for Vampire" by Annie Lennox.
Then came the time to consummate the marriage and here is where the slate is wiped clean by Mr. Jaegermesiter, Mr. Guinness, Mr. Heineken and Sammy Hagar. It's become a scene out of the animated film "Madagascar."
The next day, after the Bombs, Ritas and Heineys have worn off, I wake up in a hotel room which I know is not the one I checked into. The sound in the distance tells me it's the Bellagio because it's Andrea Bocelli singing and a sudden cannon-like fire sounds tells me it's the fountains. Now I know I am at the Bellagio when I know my room and all my personal effects are at the MGM Grand. I go to wipe the crap (or sand) out of my eyes, realizing that my hair is stuck to something. It's a Ring Pop...a cherry flavor one stuck to a black setting! Attached to said ring is a muscular hand. I look down and see Zak, out cold and breathing, his Ring Pop stuck in my hair. I turn to look at my hand, which remained in the Ring Pop packaging and that is when I sober up FAST.
WE GOT MARRIED!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHO SPIKED OUR DRINKS?! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!
Then, Zak wakes up and looks at me with his Ring Pop entangled in my hair, mutters something incoherently before snapping awake and we both scream in each other's face. We both realize our drunken regrets and negotiate a "Divorce Settlement," if you can recall scrubbing teeth and gargling with gallons of Mouth Wash stolen from a nearby Maid's cart a settlement. We agree that what was done was done in haste and that we share some things in common. So, rather than be tabloid fodder, we decide to make things work between us. And we tried, we REALLY tried. But, just a mere 77 days after our drunken nuptials, we've come to the conclusion that we have got nothing in common at all and decide to divorce. We come to the mutual decision to split things in half! So now the show we know as "Ghost Adventures" has now become the show "Ghost Ad," because I now own the "Ventures" bit of it.
In conclusion, yes, Zak and I were married but the judge turned out to be a woman and Zak got screwed big time. Now he is forced to wear black for eternity until he can pay my legal fees.
ANSWER TWO: We were never, ever married. I have nothing but the upmost respect, love and trust of someone whom I've considered to be an incredible friend. To even link us, even by a photograph of us looking extremely close, as something as remotely romantic is something that I find puzzling. Unless by some trick of fate that this should come to fruition, thank you for the premonition. If it doesn't happen, I am going to keep my chin firmly up and do as The Left Banke say, "Just Walk Away Renee." I am strong. I've overcome being stood up, being disappointed and being let down. I have a back up plan already. Just going to keep walking away...Renee!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
There Is Peace In The Velmaverse...FINALLY!
Two weeks ago, a miracle occured in my house. Now, this is an Italian thing but when you're family you always lived in close proximity to family or you lived together in one household. Well, in my case, we all were crowded together in one three floor house, a split level and, currently, a small Cape house on a busy crossroad. It was the four of us (Me, mom, aunt and grandma) but then my grandma died and then there were three. Now with my Cougar Aunt, when she married her puppy hubby, it became four again. Three woman and...GASP...one man. Thus presents a problem. That problem led to a miracle. My aunt and her...man moved out. To this, I have to say "GOOD RIDDANCE!"
In the past two weeks, there hasn't been one fight. Not one word of cutsy wootsy. No more banishment to the basement because I want to watch "Ghost Adventures" or any show about the paranormal. And, lastly, no more finding her sticking her unwashed hands into my leftover food. Yes, she did do that. YUCK!!!!
I heard somewhere that when a certain person is around you that you are immediately turned off by the mere presence of them and the mere sound of their voice. For me, that would be my aunt because the very sound of her voice and the very presence of her lowered my self-esteem, made me the most negative person and the most emotionally barren person on the face of this planet. In other words, there was a wall the size of the Great Wall of China. When she tried to breach it, I'd send in my Huns to keep her away from me.
Without her around, I can watch "Ghost Adventures" upstairs, with the lights off and as loudly as I want. I feel much more relaxed knowing I can do this without having to look over my shoulder and wonder if she is going to get up and scream at me. Hell! I can scream and play loud music if I wanted to. Now where's my Def Leppard album??
In the past two weeks, there hasn't been one fight. Not one word of cutsy wootsy. No more banishment to the basement because I want to watch "Ghost Adventures" or any show about the paranormal. And, lastly, no more finding her sticking her unwashed hands into my leftover food. Yes, she did do that. YUCK!!!!
I heard somewhere that when a certain person is around you that you are immediately turned off by the mere presence of them and the mere sound of their voice. For me, that would be my aunt because the very sound of her voice and the very presence of her lowered my self-esteem, made me the most negative person and the most emotionally barren person on the face of this planet. In other words, there was a wall the size of the Great Wall of China. When she tried to breach it, I'd send in my Huns to keep her away from me.
Without her around, I can watch "Ghost Adventures" upstairs, with the lights off and as loudly as I want. I feel much more relaxed knowing I can do this without having to look over my shoulder and wonder if she is going to get up and scream at me. Hell! I can scream and play loud music if I wanted to. Now where's my Def Leppard album??
Monday, January 9, 2012
This is High School, Not Hustler
I recently stumbled upon an article talking about a teeenaged girl from Colorado who had her senior photo banned from the yearbook. So, out of curiosity, I wanted to have a look at that photograph and see why. When I did, I immediately understood as to why it was banned. Who in their right minds would allow this photo into a yearbook to begin with?! She had on a black TUBE TOP and a Mini Yellow skirt. This would have sent editors of my high school yearbook over the fucking falls! They would have refused the shot even before it was submitted.
Back when I was in high school, which was more than a decade ago, the formal yearbook photo showed the student wearing a regular, clean and pressed shirt and a smile. In addition, you were shown only from the shoulder on up. Did I miss an e-mail or something? They're now showing them from the legs on up in the State of Colorado? If the State of New Jersey had this, my god, every slut, skank and hoochie mama would be every other shot.
Boy, Slut, Skank, Boy, Girl, Girl, Tramp Stamp...
And the pitiful part is that her mother is backing her up on this! Uhm, Mom needs a bitch slap of reality dealt to her. Look at her picture, sister! Your daughter apparently wants everybody to remember her as the "Skanky One" at the 10 year high school reunion. Do you honestly want your little girl to be remembered like that? Seriously! You need to have a second look at what your daughter is submitting for her senior photo, lady! If this were my mother in the situation, she'd have smacked me and told me to pick another photograph.
As one person posted in the comment area of this article, it's high school, not Hustler! Jeff Dunham used School Picture Day to promote his budding career as a vetriloquist and look how far he's gotten. Sorry, but don't use School Picture Day to try and further your career as a Porn Actress! Pick another photograph, please, and leave that disgraceful one for your own personal collection.
Picture Banned for being too Racy!
Back when I was in high school, which was more than a decade ago, the formal yearbook photo showed the student wearing a regular, clean and pressed shirt and a smile. In addition, you were shown only from the shoulder on up. Did I miss an e-mail or something? They're now showing them from the legs on up in the State of Colorado? If the State of New Jersey had this, my god, every slut, skank and hoochie mama would be every other shot.
Boy, Slut, Skank, Boy, Girl, Girl, Tramp Stamp...
And the pitiful part is that her mother is backing her up on this! Uhm, Mom needs a bitch slap of reality dealt to her. Look at her picture, sister! Your daughter apparently wants everybody to remember her as the "Skanky One" at the 10 year high school reunion. Do you honestly want your little girl to be remembered like that? Seriously! You need to have a second look at what your daughter is submitting for her senior photo, lady! If this were my mother in the situation, she'd have smacked me and told me to pick another photograph.
As one person posted in the comment area of this article, it's high school, not Hustler! Jeff Dunham used School Picture Day to promote his budding career as a vetriloquist and look how far he's gotten. Sorry, but don't use School Picture Day to try and further your career as a Porn Actress! Pick another photograph, please, and leave that disgraceful one for your own personal collection.
Picture Banned for being too Racy!
Let's Talk Paranormal!: Part Four: Is It For You?
Now that we've gone over key notes to the Paranormal, now let's discuss if it is truly for you. I've seen many, many, many episodes of various Paranormal-related shows out there and these are seasoned people. People that are accustomed to going into dark places armed with just a camera with an IR light and are used to having the LCD act as their eyes. I have nothing but the greatest respect and love for them. I consider them my teachers as to how to better conduct myself during investigations.
However, there are some who think that just because it looks easy that they can do it and consider themselves a professional Paranormal Investigator. Well, I'm here to tell you that you are sorely mistaken. It does not take one investigation to consider yourself a true professional. It takes many investigations and the critique of seasoned investigators to determine if you are truly cut out to do this. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still pretty much halfway to becoming one. But, let's not inflate my ego.
If you find that this is for you, make note of the following:
1) You can handle being in the dark for long periods of time.
2) You're not the least bit afraid of anything that should happen when in the dark.
3) You can, and with no help at all, operate and manage a Night Vision Camera.
4) Can do burst EVP sessions without having to turn on a flash light to find the ON button.
5) When the lights go off, you don't scream like a wuss.
6) Keep a small part of yourself open to skepticism. It may or may not be paranormal in nature.
7) Research your locations before hand.
8) Know your equipment inside and out before investigating.
If you find that you cannot handle either aspect of this, then it's not for you and you are just in LUST with the hot lead investigator on a certain paranormal show and are showing a feigned interest in his occupation. Just stating the fact. Don't like it? Screw you, it's my opinion!
However, there are some who think that just because it looks easy that they can do it and consider themselves a professional Paranormal Investigator. Well, I'm here to tell you that you are sorely mistaken. It does not take one investigation to consider yourself a true professional. It takes many investigations and the critique of seasoned investigators to determine if you are truly cut out to do this. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still pretty much halfway to becoming one. But, let's not inflate my ego.
If you find that this is for you, make note of the following:
1) You can handle being in the dark for long periods of time.
2) You're not the least bit afraid of anything that should happen when in the dark.
3) You can, and with no help at all, operate and manage a Night Vision Camera.
4) Can do burst EVP sessions without having to turn on a flash light to find the ON button.
5) When the lights go off, you don't scream like a wuss.
6) Keep a small part of yourself open to skepticism. It may or may not be paranormal in nature.
7) Research your locations before hand.
8) Know your equipment inside and out before investigating.
If you find that you cannot handle either aspect of this, then it's not for you and you are just in LUST with the hot lead investigator on a certain paranormal show and are showing a feigned interest in his occupation. Just stating the fact. Don't like it? Screw you, it's my opinion!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Lead-Footed Slow Pokes
I have been driving a car nearly 14 years now. Like everybody at 17, I took the written test and passed. Took the driving test and passed. You can say I'm a seasoned driver of sorts. In my many, many drives around the country I began to take mental notes on certain types of drivers. Up till now, I have kept my mouth shut about them. But now, thanks to an "eventful" drive through the township where I work, I am now going to "air out" my feelings.
It is with regret that I must say that certain people should not possess a driver's license, let alone a PERMIT to drive one. As a matter of fact, these people need to be issued Restraining Orders from the Department of Motor Vehicles. They should not possess a license to drive AT ALL! I will not cite the following examples.
Where I work, I fear going out on Fridays for lunch. I choose to stay inside at my desk. What's the reason you ask? Well, the area I work is a large Jewish community and every Friday they start to prepare for the Sabbath. Saturday is their Sunday and our Friday is their Saturday. So everybody is rushing about returning their books, getting last minute food items or getting the last of their stuff done before sundown.
Now, how is this related to bad drivers? Well, when you're in a hurry to get home before the sun goes to bed, you tend to not pay attention to the road. Some of these drivers that are in this community that I've observed break pretty much almost every single driving law known to man. They speed through "STOP" signs like they weren't even there. They go around "Road Closed" barriers. They switch lanes WITHOUT signaling. In addition, they talk and text on their cell phones WHILE DRIVING! One day, I almost got hit four times: Coming to work, going out for lunch, coming back from lunch and when I leave at 5pm to go home. Scary, right?
This is the exact reason why I don't go out of the building for lunch on Fridays. I would love to go home and not be T-boned by some woman in an Econo-line van with two or three of her eight children not in their car seats while she does 75 mph down a 25 mph narrow street while talking on her cell phone. I drive a MINI! It would be like a bicycle taking on a Mack Truck! Not a beautiful outcome.
Another certain type of driver has got to be the elderly driver. Yeah, we have all encountered that one driver that we think is the World's Oldest Civil War widow behind the wheel of a car a hundred times larger than the person driving it. I know because I live in an area where they all live en masse. I've driven through it doing 25 mph and have gotten yelled at for going too fast. Well, why don't you do me a favor on the highway and GO FASTER! You're not in Happyville Village anymore! You can speed up! You can go beyond 25 mph on a highway where the speed limit is 65m mph! In some areas, 75 mph! PEDAL TO THE METAL, GLADYS! STEP ON IT, STANLEY! LIVE LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!! That last sentence rings true in this case.
Lastly, and thanks to my friend Trisha for pointing this out to me, we have the teenagers. Ahh! The fresh meat! The new breed of drivers out on the road. Heaven help us. Little Timmy just got his license and his parents hear those magical words: "Can I borrow the car?" This is when parents should take the license away from the teenager and keep it in a Safe Deposit box in a nearby bank until the kid is able to afford a set of wheels of their own rather than borrow yours. But, some parents are too proud that their bouncing baby boy or girl has grown up and learned to drive that they actually give in to letting them borrow the car. Guess what this sometimes leads to? They come back and you notice a dent that was not there before and a huge scratch on the driver's side.
At which point, you take the keys from them and you ground them for a year. That's what I will do someday if my once small child took my car and then proceeded to dent it and scratch it. These kids like to show off for their friends at how "great" they are at driving. They love to speed down suburban streets with Flo Rida and Cee-lo Green and T-Pain BLARING out the radio just to show how "gangsta" they are. You're not exactly "gangsta" in your mom's Prius, are ya, Corky?! Turn down the music, drive the speed limit and stop trying to act "gangsta." I was born in a family constantly affiliated with gangsters even though we were never part of "the family." That's the original gangster and this is how you spell it! Take out the "sta" and put back the "ster" and leave it alone!!
Have I missed out on any people that ought to have their driver's license taken from them? If so, please comment.
It is with regret that I must say that certain people should not possess a driver's license, let alone a PERMIT to drive one. As a matter of fact, these people need to be issued Restraining Orders from the Department of Motor Vehicles. They should not possess a license to drive AT ALL! I will not cite the following examples.
Where I work, I fear going out on Fridays for lunch. I choose to stay inside at my desk. What's the reason you ask? Well, the area I work is a large Jewish community and every Friday they start to prepare for the Sabbath. Saturday is their Sunday and our Friday is their Saturday. So everybody is rushing about returning their books, getting last minute food items or getting the last of their stuff done before sundown.
Now, how is this related to bad drivers? Well, when you're in a hurry to get home before the sun goes to bed, you tend to not pay attention to the road. Some of these drivers that are in this community that I've observed break pretty much almost every single driving law known to man. They speed through "STOP" signs like they weren't even there. They go around "Road Closed" barriers. They switch lanes WITHOUT signaling. In addition, they talk and text on their cell phones WHILE DRIVING! One day, I almost got hit four times: Coming to work, going out for lunch, coming back from lunch and when I leave at 5pm to go home. Scary, right?
This is the exact reason why I don't go out of the building for lunch on Fridays. I would love to go home and not be T-boned by some woman in an Econo-line van with two or three of her eight children not in their car seats while she does 75 mph down a 25 mph narrow street while talking on her cell phone. I drive a MINI! It would be like a bicycle taking on a Mack Truck! Not a beautiful outcome.
Another certain type of driver has got to be the elderly driver. Yeah, we have all encountered that one driver that we think is the World's Oldest Civil War widow behind the wheel of a car a hundred times larger than the person driving it. I know because I live in an area where they all live en masse. I've driven through it doing 25 mph and have gotten yelled at for going too fast. Well, why don't you do me a favor on the highway and GO FASTER! You're not in Happyville Village anymore! You can speed up! You can go beyond 25 mph on a highway where the speed limit is 65m mph! In some areas, 75 mph! PEDAL TO THE METAL, GLADYS! STEP ON IT, STANLEY! LIVE LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!! That last sentence rings true in this case.
Lastly, and thanks to my friend Trisha for pointing this out to me, we have the teenagers. Ahh! The fresh meat! The new breed of drivers out on the road. Heaven help us. Little Timmy just got his license and his parents hear those magical words: "Can I borrow the car?" This is when parents should take the license away from the teenager and keep it in a Safe Deposit box in a nearby bank until the kid is able to afford a set of wheels of their own rather than borrow yours. But, some parents are too proud that their bouncing baby boy or girl has grown up and learned to drive that they actually give in to letting them borrow the car. Guess what this sometimes leads to? They come back and you notice a dent that was not there before and a huge scratch on the driver's side.
At which point, you take the keys from them and you ground them for a year. That's what I will do someday if my once small child took my car and then proceeded to dent it and scratch it. These kids like to show off for their friends at how "great" they are at driving. They love to speed down suburban streets with Flo Rida and Cee-lo Green and T-Pain BLARING out the radio just to show how "gangsta" they are. You're not exactly "gangsta" in your mom's Prius, are ya, Corky?! Turn down the music, drive the speed limit and stop trying to act "gangsta." I was born in a family constantly affiliated with gangsters even though we were never part of "the family." That's the original gangster and this is how you spell it! Take out the "sta" and put back the "ster" and leave it alone!!
Have I missed out on any people that ought to have their driver's license taken from them? If so, please comment.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Velma: Blogger, Ghost Hunter...Future Mother??
When I turned 30, I looked back on my life and began the "What Ifs." What if I had met the right one? What if I had gotten married? What if I had kids by now? All that stuff! I saw my friends and school mates go from being students to being parents with responsibilities. Here I am! Single, traveling and living life. There were times when I wanted to be a wife and mother before this age. But, I guess God had to give me a few lessons to learn before I become such. Maybe now I am ready to become a wife and mother. I just had to walk before I could run first.
I can relate to Nia Vardalos' character, Toula Portokalos, in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." 30 years old, waiting for her life to start. Then, she meets this incredibly wonderful guy and they fall in love. My life is kind of similar to that, but with that one pot hole in the road. However, I did meet this wonderful guy quite a few times and he made my heart go zing for the first time ever and now, whenever I think about him, it zings left, right, center and sideways. Is this love or infatuation?? I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself. To me, love is like a math problem: You work on it till you finally get the right answer. I do hope that my heart zinging whenever I think of him IS the first symptom of this Calculus problem called love.
Now, on the subject of wifehood, I want my husband to know who wears and washes the pants in this marriage. Yes, it's all me, baby! I expect him to be a good, faithful partner and to be there whenever I need him, especially when I am on my period and find myself watching "Terms of Endearment" at an ad nauseum rate. Ahh, nothing like the feel of a man who has become proverbially emasculated after watching Shirley MacLaine screaming "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!!" over 20 times. But I also expect him to get me chocolate, rub my shoulders and to, and when I feel like it as well, satisfy me in THAT way. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about and let's not go there.
On the subject of motherhood, I know that I will try to be a great mom. Be supportive of my children in whatever they choose and for who they are. When it comes to my children, I am going to be a mother first before I am their friend. I will make sure they do their homework first before they play any video games or go on Facebook. And if they don't like it, no Facebook and no video games. Simple as that. My way or go to your room sans computer. If you bully my child, whether in real life or through the internet, you will incur my wrath and I will be on your ass like shit on Velcro.
So, God, if you are listening, I've learned my lessons. I learned that love can hurt, it can be kind as well as cruel, but it can also be the most wonderful thing to experience. I also learned not to stick magnets onto my car because they will stick permanently if left on for long periods of time. And to also have patience when it comes to children because one day I will have some of my own and they will eventually pick out my nursing home when I get into my Geriatric years. I also learned never to quit if something doesn't work out and to always show infinite patience even though I do want to quit. Unlike Sarah Palin! Hear my prayers, God. I am ready.
Inhaling...
I can relate to Nia Vardalos' character, Toula Portokalos, in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." 30 years old, waiting for her life to start. Then, she meets this incredibly wonderful guy and they fall in love. My life is kind of similar to that, but with that one pot hole in the road. However, I did meet this wonderful guy quite a few times and he made my heart go zing for the first time ever and now, whenever I think about him, it zings left, right, center and sideways. Is this love or infatuation?? I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself. To me, love is like a math problem: You work on it till you finally get the right answer. I do hope that my heart zinging whenever I think of him IS the first symptom of this Calculus problem called love.
Now, on the subject of wifehood, I want my husband to know who wears and washes the pants in this marriage. Yes, it's all me, baby! I expect him to be a good, faithful partner and to be there whenever I need him, especially when I am on my period and find myself watching "Terms of Endearment" at an ad nauseum rate. Ahh, nothing like the feel of a man who has become proverbially emasculated after watching Shirley MacLaine screaming "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!!" over 20 times. But I also expect him to get me chocolate, rub my shoulders and to, and when I feel like it as well, satisfy me in THAT way. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about and let's not go there.
On the subject of motherhood, I know that I will try to be a great mom. Be supportive of my children in whatever they choose and for who they are. When it comes to my children, I am going to be a mother first before I am their friend. I will make sure they do their homework first before they play any video games or go on Facebook. And if they don't like it, no Facebook and no video games. Simple as that. My way or go to your room sans computer. If you bully my child, whether in real life or through the internet, you will incur my wrath and I will be on your ass like shit on Velcro.
So, God, if you are listening, I've learned my lessons. I learned that love can hurt, it can be kind as well as cruel, but it can also be the most wonderful thing to experience. I also learned not to stick magnets onto my car because they will stick permanently if left on for long periods of time. And to also have patience when it comes to children because one day I will have some of my own and they will eventually pick out my nursing home when I get into my Geriatric years. I also learned never to quit if something doesn't work out and to always show infinite patience even though I do want to quit. Unlike Sarah Palin! Hear my prayers, God. I am ready.
Inhaling...
You've Got No Business Wearing THAT!
Jeff Foxworthy once did a segment in his act called "Redneck Fashion Tips." And I've got to tell ya, some of the stuff he talked about is absolutely true about some people. Certain people should not be allowed to wear certain pieces of clothing. Now, certain things apply to me here as well so don't think I'm picking on you as I am picking on myself as well. I am not in the best of shape, not gonna lie to ya. I am not exactly a "hot body" as are a lot of people out there in this world. I am here to represent those who were not born with that body look and what we should and should not be wearing.
First and foremost, I want to start with that little thing called "The G-String." The only people that have any business wearing THAT are strippers who've got THAT body. To those of us that weren't born that way, we better turn our heads in the direction of the briefs or boy shorts because we have no business wearing a G-String. I mean, I know you're proud of your body and all but the sight of your ass wearing a G-string is frightening. I went to Wal-Mart one day and I was getting some things and I noticed this woman, she was what Gabriel Iglesias would deem "Fluffy," and she was walking around and doing her grocery shopping. She dropped something and bent over to get it. She had on a G-String and my eyes widened to three times the size. I was HORRIFIED! And apparently I wasn't the only one who saw this. As a matter of fact, three different people pointed at her and started whispering. I can only imagine what was said. This little incident prompted me to ask myself, "WHY Oh WHY did they let her out of the house wearing THAT?!" I can understand being proud of your body but you've gone way too far!
The next thing that is a big No No for me and others has got to be the Tube Top. I wore these when I was a little kid, emphasis on "little." Cute as a little kid, but if I were to wear it now I'd break mirrors and scare little kids. Tube tops should only be worn by extremely skinny girls that are at the beach. I would not be caught DEAD in a tube top nor should any mother of four with stretch marks with a baby in one arm and a corn dog in the other. It's highly disturbing, especially when she's got a bikini top on underneath it and you've got no business wearing THAT
Another highly disturbing piece of clothing to me has got to be these young boys who wear their pants around their rear end, thus exposing their underwear. Now, I find this to be the norm for black guys, but white guys. PLEASE PULL 'EM UP! Pull 'em up, belt 'em up and move on, White boy! You've got no business wearing pants like THAT! In addition, it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I've got to get up for work so do you mind lowering your BOOMIN' POUNDIN' TUNES, preferably in the OFF position. You know where the button is! Turn it off! I'm trying to sleep!
And here is the original "Redneck Fashion Tips" guru himself. Enjoy!
First and foremost, I want to start with that little thing called "The G-String." The only people that have any business wearing THAT are strippers who've got THAT body. To those of us that weren't born that way, we better turn our heads in the direction of the briefs or boy shorts because we have no business wearing a G-String. I mean, I know you're proud of your body and all but the sight of your ass wearing a G-string is frightening. I went to Wal-Mart one day and I was getting some things and I noticed this woman, she was what Gabriel Iglesias would deem "Fluffy," and she was walking around and doing her grocery shopping. She dropped something and bent over to get it. She had on a G-String and my eyes widened to three times the size. I was HORRIFIED! And apparently I wasn't the only one who saw this. As a matter of fact, three different people pointed at her and started whispering. I can only imagine what was said. This little incident prompted me to ask myself, "WHY Oh WHY did they let her out of the house wearing THAT?!" I can understand being proud of your body but you've gone way too far!
The next thing that is a big No No for me and others has got to be the Tube Top. I wore these when I was a little kid, emphasis on "little." Cute as a little kid, but if I were to wear it now I'd break mirrors and scare little kids. Tube tops should only be worn by extremely skinny girls that are at the beach. I would not be caught DEAD in a tube top nor should any mother of four with stretch marks with a baby in one arm and a corn dog in the other. It's highly disturbing, especially when she's got a bikini top on underneath it and you've got no business wearing THAT
Another highly disturbing piece of clothing to me has got to be these young boys who wear their pants around their rear end, thus exposing their underwear. Now, I find this to be the norm for black guys, but white guys. PLEASE PULL 'EM UP! Pull 'em up, belt 'em up and move on, White boy! You've got no business wearing pants like THAT! In addition, it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I've got to get up for work so do you mind lowering your BOOMIN' POUNDIN' TUNES, preferably in the OFF position. You know where the button is! Turn it off! I'm trying to sleep!
And here is the original "Redneck Fashion Tips" guru himself. Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)