Tonight, I got one of the best laughs I ever had in my entire life. I just got home from work and I turned on Facebook like I always do. So up pops a message from someone I barely knew and who did not know me either. So, I open the message box and see this:
"Are you and Zak merry?"
I type back, "What?"
"Are you and Zak marry?"
My jaw fell open and I immediately began to crack up laughing. I clicked out of the message box and put the laptop down because I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes and my sides began to hurt. This had to be one of the most hilarious questions I have ever had asked of me. EVER!
I told three very close friends of mine about this and all three were equally as cracked up as I was. Let's just say that I think my three friends were falling on the floor wetting themselves.
I feel that at this time I present to you two possible answers to this question: Am I married to Zak Bagans?? Let's start with answer one, shall we?
ANSWER ONE: Me and Zak have a chance meeting in Las Vegas. I was walking out of the Wynn and he was walking in. We realize we met at one of the events so we decide to catch up and have some drinks. So, a couple Heinekens later and buzzed, we decide to buy ourselves some 2 foot Margaritas from a stand outside and laugh it up. Even more buzzed, we try to work it off by doing some very bad white people dancing, but we work up a thirst so we decide to do Jaeger Bombs. After we had our second drinks, completely unaware that we were totally wasted, we look at each other and the drunken conversation followed:
Drunk Zak: You're cute! Wanna get married?
Drunk Velma: You're sexy! Yeah, let's get married!
So, sobering up the best we can, we get the license and we high tail it over to Gothic Weddings on Las Vegas Blvd South for a hastily prepared Vampire Wedding. Still buzzing, we are both dressed in black from our heads down to our feet, complete with fake teeth punctures in our necks. Why I chose to wear an Elvira wig in our wedding portrait I haven't a clue. I can only chalk it up to the fact that I was drunk at the time. We both sported vampire fangs, which is all I can remember because when we kissed we both made each other's lower lips bleed.
When it came time to exchange rings, we were in a hurry. And in our haste, we didn't stop at a Zales or a shop on The Strip, but at the nearest Wal-greens and picked up Ring Pops. We had our first fight as a couple that night. He wanted the Red and Black Ring Pop and I wanted the same thing. To which he said we can't have matching rings. At least not the same flavor. I begrudgingly then chose the pink Bubblegum flavor Ring Pop with the blue base because we were in a hurry.
The ceremony was romantic, if you call Marilyn Manson walking you down the aisle as "Father of the Bride" romantic. "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" was playing as I was walking down the aisle. "If I Was Your Vampire" was playing shortly afterwards, followed by our first dance as husband and wife to "Love Song for Vampire" by Annie Lennox.
Then came the time to consummate the marriage and here is where the slate is wiped clean by Mr. Jaegermesiter, Mr. Guinness, Mr. Heineken and Sammy Hagar. It's become a scene out of the animated film "Madagascar."
The next day, after the Bombs, Ritas and Heineys have worn off, I wake up in a hotel room which I know is not the one I checked into. The sound in the distance tells me it's the Bellagio because it's Andrea Bocelli singing and a sudden cannon-like fire sounds tells me it's the fountains. Now I know I am at the Bellagio when I know my room and all my personal effects are at the MGM Grand. I go to wipe the crap (or sand) out of my eyes, realizing that my hair is stuck to something. It's a Ring Pop...a cherry flavor one stuck to a black setting! Attached to said ring is a muscular hand. I look down and see Zak, out cold and breathing, his Ring Pop stuck in my hair. I turn to look at my hand, which remained in the Ring Pop packaging and that is when I sober up FAST.
WE GOT MARRIED!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHO SPIKED OUR DRINKS?! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!
Then, Zak wakes up and looks at me with his Ring Pop entangled in my hair, mutters something incoherently before snapping awake and we both scream in each other's face. We both realize our drunken regrets and negotiate a "Divorce Settlement," if you can recall scrubbing teeth and gargling with gallons of Mouth Wash stolen from a nearby Maid's cart a settlement. We agree that what was done was done in haste and that we share some things in common. So, rather than be tabloid fodder, we decide to make things work between us. And we tried, we REALLY tried. But, just a mere 77 days after our drunken nuptials, we've come to the conclusion that we have got nothing in common at all and decide to divorce. We come to the mutual decision to split things in half! So now the show we know as "Ghost Adventures" has now become the show "Ghost Ad," because I now own the "Ventures" bit of it.
In conclusion, yes, Zak and I were married but the judge turned out to be a woman and Zak got screwed big time. Now he is forced to wear black for eternity until he can pay my legal fees.
ANSWER TWO: We were never, ever married. I have nothing but the upmost respect, love and trust of someone whom I've considered to be an incredible friend. To even link us, even by a photograph of us looking extremely close, as something as remotely romantic is something that I find puzzling. Unless by some trick of fate that this should come to fruition, thank you for the premonition. If it doesn't happen, I am going to keep my chin firmly up and do as The Left Banke say, "Just Walk Away Renee." I am strong. I've overcome being stood up, being disappointed and being let down. I have a back up plan already. Just going to keep walking away...Renee!
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