I am trying like a mad woman to curtail my candy-eating ways. I’ve cut down quite significantly on my intake of sugars and I’m proud of this. However, the hunt for some healthier snacks has been…how can I put it? Oh, yeah! It’s been a real bitch! I tried to get into the Special K bars, but they lost their appeal after a week. I tried the Clif Bar with no such luck. Olives went straight to my ass. But then, whilst perusing the shelves at BJ’s Wholesale that I found my answer: David Sunflower Seeds.
YES! YES YES YES YES YES!!! DAVID SUNFLOWER SEEDS!
David Sunflower Seeds: The Official Snack of Baseball and Softball!
Not that this was a new discovery for me, but I can recall sometime in my childhood my grandparents, in between cigarettes, eating this during baseball games in front of the television. We’re Mets fans, if you wish to inquire. They would get a really big bag of Sunflower seeds, chomp on them and spit them into the half full ashtray in front of me. Now I found this to be extremely gross for a reason. Imagine two tobacco-addicted people spewing out remnants of sunflower seeds intermingled with ‘backey juice into a perfect crystal cigarette holder. Thanks for the tea and sympathy on that lovely visual, gross as it will forever be. This visual is the exact reason why I will never put a cigarette anywhere near my mouth. That and the hole in my grandfather’s throat from when they took out his voice box. But I digress…
For nutritional purposes, I looked up as to why these were the go to snacks for baseball and softball. First off, it’s a great substitute from the original chewing of Tobacco or “Chaw,” which I feel the MLB should ban outright from players using it. Second, it looks so much better when properly disposed of. Would you prefer to look at Jackson Pollock-esque speckles of ecru and black or something that looks like a piece of dog shit sitting on the ground? Your choice? Thirdly, Sunflower Seeds provide WAY more vitamins and nutrients than tobacco ever could. Here’s the comparison:
SUNFLOWER SEEDS: Vitamin E, Magnesium, Fiber, Protein, Folic Acid, Iron, Copper, Zinc and Phosphorus.
CHEWING TOBACCO: Vitamin K
You see that? Sunflower Seeds have many more health benefits than chewing tobacco. Take a look! Nine versus One! You can say that the bout between the two is a clean cut TKO by Sunflower Seeds. To those of you out there who smoke, put the Marlboros down and get yourself a bag of Sunflower Seeds. They taste a lot better and your boyfriend or girlfriend won’t ever mind kissing you afterwards. I would much rather kiss a man who had Ranch-flavored lips rather than the tobacco fields of Antebellum Virginia.
In the recent weeks, I have found myself stocking up on Sunflower Seeds by the pound. If you’re in BJ’S Wholesale, they sell them in large buckets. And think about this: If you’re having any anger management issues, these are a blessing. Anytime you find yourself getting pissed off with something or someone, grab yourself a handful of Sunflower Seeds and deposit directly into your mouth.
“Why you motherfu…CHEW CHEW CHEW! SPIT SPIT SPIT! Yeah, you’re right! This sculpture doesn’t go with the rest of the room. Let’s move it.”
Trust me, it works! I eat Sunflower Seeds when I get angry and minutes later I forget what I was angry about. And the spitting part is the fun part. Sometimes when I get mad, I want to spit nails. I find that Sunflower Seeds are much less lethal, easy to clean up and much easier to get off AND out of the wall.
Sunflower Seeds also make great confetti at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs and New Year’s Eve. They are beneficial to the earth and the environment and also help to feed the birds and a starving blushing bride. At my wedding, I am substituting rice for Sunflower Seeds. Hey! I’ve been primped, prepped, primed and had to sign a pre-nup. I am entitled to a snack after the nuptials, god damn it! And the pigeons are hungry too!
So think about it. Next time you’re in line at the market and you find yourself tempted to reach for that Milky Way bar, stop and look up. The Sunflower Seeds as well as the Peanuts and Pumpkin Seeds are hovering right over them. Then again, they are also sitting next to the condoms and KY Jelly, which is why I think most people are deterred to the candy bars at the checkout line. Conspiracy theory in the works here! We are eating unhealthy due in part to the healthy stuff sitting next to stuff you don’t want on or near it. So your best bet is to go into the Chips and Salsa aisle and grab it there. That’s your safest bet, especially if you’re allergic to laytex or synthetic lubricant.
So, to this I say what the David Sunflower Seeds say right on the bag: Eat, Spit and Be Merry!
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