With this year, I vow to keep healthy and to not frequent any, and I do mean, ANY fast food establishments. I really, REALLY mean that. Hell! McDonald's has been out of my life longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage to Kris Humphries. Seriously! If I could compare my diet and lifestyle to anything, it would be that.
I find that eating at a fast food place such as McDonald's lowers us. It makes us incapable of cooking our own meals and having to rely on them as a "go to" for quickie meals. That's what I call the food prepared there. I call them "Quickie meals." It's prepared en masse! It's loaded with a bunch of shit that you CAN taste in an overdose-type quantity. It's disgusting! I would much rather eat a piece of Venison that has been cooked over an open fire that which has been made by a pile of cow manure than to eat something hurriedly cooked at McDonald's. That's saying A LOT!
Now I know McDonald's formed out of small humblings, but since then it has catered to the masses. Wordly masses. It has sold out to the entire world, literally. You can be lost in the Australian desert for days and you'd still find a frickin' McDonald's out there. They may have a limited menu, but you'd still find it. "Yeah, I've been out in Aborigine Country for about two months so I'll have a Big Mac and a Diet Coke! Thank yah!"
The one thing I am trying my hardest to quit has been Diet Coke. It is a friggin' BITCH to quit! When it comes to me and Diet Coke, we are like Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen. We are AWESOME together, but a bitch to keep apart! In the case of this, I am Sid Vicious and the Diet Coke is Nancy Spungen. Eventually, I am going to wind up having to stab my Nancy in the friggin' stomach and watch it as it gradually dies off. It's going to wind up happening. I am going to turn around one day, take a sip and vomit it out. I am going to grow weary of the taste of chemicals, but it's going to happen gradually. It may not be today nor tomorrow nor next week, but it's going to be sometime in the year 2012. I vow to that! I vow to quit Diet Coke by the end of this new year coming! Hold me to this! Hold me to this! I will rid myself of this proverbial Nancy Spungen by 2013.
And another thing, I also vow to start eating far more vegetables than I'm already consuming. I eat far past my "5 A Day." As a matter of fact, I overshoot that estimate by a carrot or two...er, four. I cannot get enough of it! If I could eat a can of Pinto Beans a day, I would, but in this struggling economy I can only do half a can, thus forcing me to having to wrap a sheet of tin foil around the can so I can consume the leftovers the next day. Another vegetable I am addicted to has got to be garlic. Ohh, don't get me started...er, wait, you have! Being Italian, I grew up on garlic at a drug addicted level. I mean CRACK ADDICT level addicted. There was garlic in everything! Nowadays, if I eat something, if there's no garlic in it I won't eat it. I eat, drink, shit, spit, sweat and drink the shit for crying out loud! If you don't give me garlic, I go through withdrawal symptoms. Yes! That's how addictive garlic gets!
But, I digress...
There is one thing that keeps me going. This one thing has kept me steaming on from the time I took my first shit as an infant to where I am now. That one thing? Laughter. Laughing has kept me going for the longest, longest time. Give me a good laugh and I will go on for a week and a half. The littlest things make me laugh. You slip on some black ice and fall on your ass, I will piss myself laughing at you. You blow a snot out of your nose and onto someone else's shirt, I will die laughing at you. If I have an inside joke that I find funny only unto myself, you will see me fall down in shits and giggles. Hell! Someone called up asking me if I knew the phone number of the company that made the "Pocket Pussy" and I fell down wetting myself with laughter. That's just how I am. Laughter keeps me trucking along. It's how I am and how I always will be. Laughter is nature's way of saying "Life's Too Short For You To Stress." With my cougar aunt...PFFT! She is a joke that can last a whole decade! Two, if it were to last, which I highly doubt because her Mother-In-Law is already giving her the Bends.
Now, I am not one for New Year's Resolutions, but this year it seems like I am strongly advised by my conscience to make them. So, here it goes...and in no particular order.
1) Lose a few pounds just like everybody else.
2) Stop procrastinating just like everybody else.
3) Give up Diet Coke just like...er, some people.
4) Do not frequent ANY fast food establishments just like some people.
5) Eat more vegetables than required just like...hmm, vegetarians.
6) Stop giving a shit about what people think about my logic.
7) Stop giving a shit about what people think about the way I look.
8) Speak my mind whenever possible, which is becoming an "all the time" practice.
9) Bring out the Sam Kinison/George Carlin side of me whenever necessary. This also has become an "all the time" practice.
10) Grow my hair
So there you have it, folks! I vow to do these ten things and stick to them. Hell! I am just getting started!
Now, I leave you with this video from the King! The ultimate King! Elvis Presley. Because my time hasn't come yet, baby, but when it does my heart will know.
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